my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
