The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
