Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She made me pour olive oil on her.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
