I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
