apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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