when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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