My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You made out with two different species that night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
