remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
