I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
