I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
