it was like his penis was on wheels.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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