My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i barfeds in our rink
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
