just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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