I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i love accidental penises.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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