Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
