the condom got lost in my hair
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Congratulations! We have a period
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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