i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
