I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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