Sry I called you an 8
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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