I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I know her cup size but not her name....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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