sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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