just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
