When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
