Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just cropdusted the office
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
