I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
