I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
