Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
