I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
