and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize