Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
