Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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