Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just invented taco cereal.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
