i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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