Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Vodka?
Forever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
