I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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