What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
