i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
