I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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