there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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