Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
