that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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