take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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