Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
