Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
