On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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