I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
