Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
