I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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