The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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