can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
