my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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