i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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