I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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