I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
