I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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