She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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