He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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