Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
